Why us? Sue of course!
by Dormant-Psycho
Summary: This is a little story designed to showcase the 'wonders' of Suedom. I have a general idea that some of you lot may know what a Sue is. Even if you don't, this story should give you a laugh. Try it, you might like what you see!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of SSBM. I do own (regrettably) the two OC's in this fic.

Warnings: This will contain mild violence and course language…..as well as horrible romance. _Horrible_.

Today, Dormant-Psycho presents: (and is very sorry for)

**The Sues have landed!**

* * *

It all happened one horribly raining day. In the perfect Qualyxpotani household, though, the rain was deflected off of the well-painted house. It shone like a second sun in the torrential downpour. All of the animals quickly scurried to hide on its' porch, which was also perfect.

This said nothing of the denizens within.

The father was a loud and cruel drunkard, who had murdered his wife in a horrible slashing incident. However, he was never charged with murder and still somehow loved his children enough to buy them a gamecube _and_ a copy of SSBM (who were the cause of the incident).

Speaking of his children…..

Rayne Qualyxpotani walked down the sidewalk, her slightly older brother Zaylai Tylergafi next to her holding a black umbrella. He was adopted, which, ironically enough, was an excellent thing for him. Being brought into a perfect family transforms you into a perfect being yourself (apparently).

"Man, I can't wait to get home and play our game!" Rayne smiled sweetly at Zaylai, who nodded.

"Aye, 'tis a wondrous thing, playing with my sister." She giggled and punched his arm playfully.

Let me explain what makes them Sues.

Rayne, for starters, has long, naturally blue hair that she keeps in a ponytail. Not a single strand of her perfectly groomed hair is out of place. Her eyes are a deep emerald that could lull even the wildest man. She wore a way too short black skirt and a white halter top. Her high heels did not slow her or waver her steps, and the sidewalk itself seemed to fix up wherever she stepped.

Zaylai had short black hair that was spiked. The tips had been dyed blonde, and were curled outward slightly. He was wearing a tight black muscle shirt and tight blue jeans. His sneakers were a navy color with black streaks. His eyes were a fierce amber, and were naturally narrow.

But….this says nothing of the fact that they are in perfect harmony with each other, both granted a mysterious power that they feared to tell the world, as they did not want to be outcasts.

Imagine that.

He gave her the umbrella and rushed to the front door, opening it for his sister. She smiled and walked into their so-called "humble" abode. As soon as they entered the sun came out and flooded the perfect home with warm light. They both grinned and ran upstairs, shouting their greetings to their father, who was asleep on the couch in front of their deluxe 100" flat screen plasma TV. They ran to the room they shared and jumped in front of the TV, turning on the gamecube instantly. Zaylai picked Marth while Rayne chose Roy. They soon started duking it out. However, due to their perfection, it was a match neither could win. As the endless hours of playing the exact same match ticked away, both players started to feel exhausted. The sheer button mashing was tiring them out. Finally, the duo fell asleep on each other. After a little while, the gamecube started to buzz, the screen turning into a swirling vortex as it dragged the two in, somehow choosing these two over all others in the world to enter the SSBM world.

* * *

Meanwhile…..

In the Smasher house…..

Marth and Roy were conversing in Japanese while Link and Zelda were arguing with Ganondorf in the corner about some new world domination plan of his. The smashers who could speak English (or something close to it) were all discussing what to do about the lack of communication between foreign smashers. They currently refused to learn English….what could be done?

Suddenly, landing directly outside of the building….

It was the Sues!

Rayne and Zaylai dusted themselves off and used their 'perfection power' to fix any rumple on their clothes and somehow miraculously keep themselves from breaking a single bone in their body from the fall. They walked to the building and knocked, obviously not wavered by the fact that they had somehow ended up somewhere else in an instant.

Mario opened the door, a banana wedged in his ear and his hat situated on his nose. Yet another fine day of lunch with the psychos….poor plumber. However, his eyes lit up at the sight of the two beings of perfection in front of him.

"Hi, it'sa me, Mario!" The two squealed in delight at the sight of the portly man, instantly realizing where they were. The duo quickly rushed past him…and spotted the swordsmen.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Rayne lunged at them, instantly latching onto Roy like a persistent, but perfect, leech. Naturally, Roy had to comment.

"What the……WHAT THE?!" Indeed, the Japanese swordsman quickly realized that he had not only been attacked by a strange girl, but he could somehow magically speak perfect English without a touch of an accent. 'What the' indeed.

Marth blinked in surprise and started to back away, some sixth sense telling him the girl was _Satan's_ child.He glanced about and grabbed a hold of Zelda, tugging her to the side in fear.

"Marth….what's wrong?" She quickly gasped, realizing she could now speak perfect English.

"That's what's wrong! Zelda….that…..that _girl_ is doing something strange to people…." Now Kirby was suddenly speaking as well, rambling on about food, but still speaking nonetheless. Link and Ganondorf's argument continued, this time in English.

Roy grinned rather stupidly, nuzzling against the semi-insane girl that was still attached to his side.

'_This may be love at first sight_...' She giggled again and waved to her brother, Zaylai, who in turn walked around. He was looking for the sexy girls of the game; Zelda and Samus. (1)

It ended rather quickly, though, when Peach jumped into the center of the room, prying Rayne away from Roy. She reached out and grabbed Zaylai as well and put on a large graduation cap.

"Folks, listen up. I want you all to understand the danger we are in….

In a not so far away place, known as the real world, people play little TV graphics called Video Games. We are an important part of said video games, starring in many pristine titles. The one that has currently thrown us all together is, of course, SSBM. We all know it to be the Melee Tournament, but that's not its' true name.

It is said to be impossible for people to move from their world to ours, but somehow these two have made it through. This is often caused by a fanfic gone awry, or even a movie or cartoon. However, that is not the case here.

These two, are known as Sues. Mary and Gary Sue, to be precise. The Mary Sue has the ability to woo any and all males she so desires while the male gets the girls he wants. The author often portrays this character as themselves, just so they can feel like someone loves them, or, if it's an R-rated fic, for the sheer purpose of thinking they're having sex with the hot character. This kind of behavior is quite normal among aspiring fanatics who want nothing more than self gratification. They often have many fans that have the same dreams and writing style, though it is far from a skill. Anyone and everyone can write like…._that_....if they really want to.

These people also have a mysterious and horrible past that can either link them to the desired character, or make the desired characters feel sympathetic and cause a serious make-out session.

Therefore, letting these people stay will cause pure terror for all of us. Those hot folk who already have a girlfriend or boyfriend will be ripped away from their true love and forced into a pairing that they do not truly want, deep down past the façade the author has forced them to have. I understand this is extremely frightening, but since I do not appeal to them enough, I am out of harms way. If you do not heed my warning, then I will not aid you further."

Everyone stared at Peach with mouths agape, amazed by what she had said, and how intelligent she sounded, too. Said princess was getting edgy by the odd stares she was receiving, and she started to fidget. Finally, she took off the cap and twirled around, winking at them.

"Oh yeah…..Sa-WEET!" She quickly ran outside and got hit by a bus….oh dear. Whether it was on purpose to get away from the Sues for good, or if it was merely because the author of this fanfiction deeply despises her, no one will know…

"….What just happened?" Marth scratched his head, having jumped into Zelda's arms at the sight of Peach being smart _and_ dying in the exact same chapter. It _had_ to be a record.

"I don't know….but you are _heavy_!" Zelda dropped the prince and rubbed her already sore arms, wincing slightly.

Mario, however, was absolutely mortified.

"NOOOOO! PEACH-a! Who will-a love-a me now? What will I do now-a?" He started to cry, running around in circles while his brother, Luigi (in case you forgot) comforted him.

* * *

**This is the ending of the first chapter……..be happy. If I get enough positive feedback I'll continue. It all depends on how much you folks loves the Sue-hatin'. Ja.**


	2. very short chapter

**Disclaimer**:...It still holds from first chap.

**Warnings**:...Also hold from first chap.

**Reviews**: _NekoYasha_- Hm...you have a point. Perhaps you will get a bit of a 'surprise' in this chapter.

_Sweswe_- They say curiosity killed the cat...that means you have eight more left!

_Jamie_- Ah, I don't like OC's either. This story was created for the sole purpose of mocking such insertions.

_Mallow-chan_- Hopefully Peach's speech gave you some basic pointers to identifying a Sue. I hope to keep this story going...just a constant flow of humor. If the humor starts to die down...warn me o.O

_MadFearow-_ Wish granted, here's the next (rather short) chapter!

And now...Dormant Psycho presents: (and is even _more_ sorry for)

**The Sues are fighting!**

* * *

The time after Peach's death wasn't that eventful. As a matter of fact, it was _un_-eventful. The pokemon were all sleeping in a corner, excluding Mewtwo, who was in the library studying how to control Sues so he could dominate the world.

Mario was still sobbing at the front door, which Luigi had decided to close. His constant wailing had become so annoying that everyone had retired to their rooms...this presented a problem for Zaylai. Rayne was quickly taken to Roy's room, who was so madly in love with her that none of the horrible things that had happened earlier even got _close_ to reaching him.

Zaylai could not get the girls to fall for him. Being a Gary-Sue, this was unexplainable.

Until he learned why.

Since all of the girls from SSBM are in fact pieces of data, they all have the same basic system. Therefore...they all have their periods at once. Apparantly it had become so horrible that night that even Zelda was too irritable to get near. Zaylai had started to follow Marth. After all, he always played as this character...perhaps they had some sort of spiritual bond.

In his gay little perfect dreams.

"...Will you _please_ stop following me!" Marth's eye was twitching violently, a vein popping out of his head. He was already in _such_ a good mood, considering that his ass hurt slightly from being dropped on it, and his pride hurt even more from Zelda calling him _heavy_. Somehow Zaylai could not realize this (the perfection must really screw with your mind) and asked the dumbest question he could.

"...Is it true that you are a fatass?" Marth whirled around and proceeded to beat the hell out of the Sue, shouting obscenities. When he had finished, he dusted himself off and continued his walk to his room.

Sadly, Young Link had heard the bit about 'fatass' from his room. This made a dark little idea come to mind. Pressing himself against the door, he threw his voice in Zaylai's general direction and started into a chant.

"Fatass, fatass, fatass, fatass, fatass, FATASS!" Marth screamed, causing everyone to run out of their rooms...just in time to see him beating the crap out of Zaylai...again. Zelda eventually pulled him away and sighed, shaking her head.

"Marth...you're not a fatass...you're just..._hefty_, that's all." That was the last straw. The Altean prince relaxed suddenly, backing away from the group. His lower lip trembled slightly before he burst out crying and ran to his room, leaving a stunned (but mostly amused) crowd of Smashers.

* * *

The next day...

Zaylai had not moved from the original spot. No one bothered to question this, though and went to get breakfast. Luigi was cooking breakfast for everyone. The mario brothers were known for their grand cooking...sadly, Mario was _still_ sobbing in front of the door, though Mewtwo had created a barrier to 'mute' the sound of the plumbers misery. Link sat down next to his mini-counterpart, who had an evil gleam in his eye and a slingshot in his hand. He had spent all night sneaking around and shooting at various objects, ending on Marth's door, usually. He would hit it, Marth would come to answer the door, and he would hit Marth square in the head. Poor prince.

Zelda sat at the edge, realizing that Marth was terribly upset from the whole fiasco last night. Ganondorf, Bowser and Capatain Falcon (cause I hate him) were all sitting together, arm-wrestling. Ganondorf had changed into Ganon, the mighty pig-skunk-turtle-person thingy, and Bowser was...a giant turtle wearing the average teenage-apparal, minus the shirt and pants. Capatain Falcon is only human, so...both of his arms were broken.

The miscellaneous smashers were huddled in a corner, eating Mr. Game and Watch's sausages...or is it bacon? The world may never know...

Roy had Rayne in his lap and the two were making out. Rayne knew her Sue charms were working on him; Roy was just retarded.

Breakfast was served...and for once, it was actually _eaten_ instead of _thrown_. Might've been from all the tension in the room...

As the meal came to a close, Luigi cleaned the place up while everyone went to various places to train. Zelda made a bee-line to Marth's room (in which they all started to sting her...nevermind me.) and knocked politely on the door. Said door swung open, almost falling off its' hinges. Marth had a large bruise on his forehead and bloodshot eyes. He looked _horrible_.

"What. Do. You. _Want_." Zelda swallowed nervously, backing away from the semi-insane prince.

"I...I wanted to apologize for last night..." SLAM! Guess he didn't _want_one... "Marth...I didn't know it would turn into such a scene..."

"You _agreed_ that I'm _fat_! HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW IT WOULD TURN INTO A SCENE!" She sighed and turned away, growling softly.

"Marth...you are _impossible_. I swear you are worse than _Peach_ sometimes..." There was no response to that. Just an utter silence that was quickly shattered by Rayne's loud and obnoxious sobbing.

* * *

**Meh...short chapter. Ah well, there's more to come. Ja.**


	3. yet another short chapter

**Reviews**: _NekoYasha_- o.O erm...I...uh...love you for...reviewing?

_Savage Passion_- Ah yes, who can deny the ultimate Sue-hatin' experience?

Wow...without the disclaimer and warnings...this beginning crap is much shorter...grins

Anywho...Dormant Psycho presents: (and desperately wants to shoot self in foot)

**The Sues are MULTIPLYING!**

* * *

Later on that day...

Zelda sat outside under a large tree (hell, everyone else has one in their fanfiction) contemplating how she was going to get Marth to forgive her.

"I shouldn't have said...I should've been nicer...this is the _first_ time we've been able to communicate...and I screwed up..." Link walked over to her and sat down, a huge grin on his face.

"Zel, you should be proud of me!I just created an inevitable plot twist by kissing Rayne in front of Roy!"

"Shut up, Link, I'm working on making Marth happy."

"But...that has nothing to do with a Sue..."

"I don't care about the damn fanfict-"

_We apologize, but the remainder of this scene has been edited for extreme obscenities towards the author and assualt on the fanfiction._

Roy was pacing in the hallway, ranting to the Gods about his poor luck.

"Why the _hell_ did you let him kiss you!" Rayne smiled innocently and flipped her hair, which was still absolutely perfect despite the fact that she hadn't bathed or brushed it since she had arrived at the Smasher building.

"Well...he was hot...and I wasn't expecting it..."

"Are you saying that I'm not hot?"

"No...not at all, Roy. You're _my _boy." She hugged him, instantly making him smile and return the hug. Idiot.

* * *

Marth left his room, stepping over Zaylai's still immobile form. He walked downstairs and raided the fridge, sighing sadly.

"I'm not fat...why does everyone insist on calling me _fat_?"

'_Because you are so deeply affected by it, Marth'_

"Mewtwo? What are you talking about?" Mewtwo snickered and floated closer, settling a paw on...er..._near_ Marth's shoulder.

'_Isn't is obvious? Now that you all can understand each other, they will stop at nothing to belittle you.'_

"How can I make them stop?"

_'...come with me.'_

Marth followed the psychic pokemon into his lair...er...library. Mewtwo casually floated over to the back and peeled back the wall like it was made of paper (curse you Paper Mario!) and opened the newly revealed door. A huge mad scientist-like lab was behind said door.

'_I can give you what you want..._' Marth grinned and entered, the door shutting behind him.

_'Just lay down on that table..._'

* * *

Pikachu and Pichu were walking down that hall, holding hands like small, cuddly monsters should do. They stopped in front of Zaylai and squealed in delight, jumping on his body. When they noticed he was not waking up, they started to zap him over and over again. When _that_ didn't work...they ran off to find someone to ask for help.

Kirby waddled down the hall a few minutes later, stopping in front of Zaylai's charred form.

"Mmm...Steak! And look! It's _perfectly_ charbroiled!" Kirby opened his huge, gaping mouth and swallowed Zaylai whole, transforming into ZayKirby. Yes, that's right, _ZayKirby_. Now he had perfect, suave hair and a sexy grin on his face...but was still a pink puffball.

"Now I can show Jigglypuff how much I love her!" He waddled away, oblivious to what he had just become...

Meanwhile, Pikachu and Pichu returned to the same spot with Zelda...only to find that Zaylai was gone. Zelda just smiled at them and patted their heads...only to notice Marth's door was ajar. She quickly checked to see if he was in there and immediately ran off, looking for him frantically. After all, whenever a hot guy from _any_ fanfiction suddenly vanishes after a long period of misery they usually have some sort of horrible thing happen to them; or they try to kill themself.

"Oh Nayru..." She had rushed into the library and opened the door...just in time to see Marth stand up and look in the mirror.

"What the hell...I don't feel any different..."

_'Ah, but you are. You see...I made you into a Gary Sue...'_ Marth turned and looked at Zelda and smiled, but she had already run away, crying.

"She doesn't seem very happy..."

_'She will be...no one can resist a Sue's charms..._' He chuckled and watched as Marth left his lab. This was going to be _perfect_, a plot twist _and_ a plan for world domination all in one. Huzzah.

And Mario still sobbed at the front door, now starting to fill up the small barrier-bubble with his tears. Oh dear, looks like he might drown.

* * *

**Hm...these chapters are dreadfully short. However...we're getting towards the bigger parts, so soon the chapters will be much longer...how will Marth hold out as a Sue? Will Kirby win Jigglypuff's heart? WillMario get over Peach, or will he drown?Will Zelda understand she is in a fanfiction and needs to follow orders? Will Roy _ever_ be smart? Find out...uh...soon?**


End file.
